I’m sitting half way to the top of a mountain east of Heber, hiking with my peers from Acqua. I’m very out of shape, which is why I’m only half way up due to my relapse almost five years ago. My name is *****, and I’m an alcoholic. I started using and drinking at an early age of 13. I was like a chameleon changing colors/drugs to adapt to people/surroundings everywhere I would go.
I started off with pot and a little bit of liquor than to more – meth pills, methadone, Adderall, Suboxone, Subsolve, Subutex, Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan and basically any mood or mind altering substance I could get my hands on. Luckily there was a seven-year stretch which by God’s grace I became sober. This didn’t happen till age 26, and by then I was a single mom with two kids. That seven years was amazing. I was married, had my third son, bought a house and loved recovery. And then BAM it was over!
I had found out my husband had cheated on me with a girl I sponsored. I was devastated, became very resentful and just like I had heard in meetings, resentments are your number one offender. I relapsed, and I couldn’t believe it! I truly believed I was cured – WRONG. My disease had been slowly waiting, manifesting itself for this day to come, and I picked up right where I had left off, turning my body into a garbage can.
I had gained a lot of knowledge about recovery, 12 steps and God in those seven years. I tried to manage my life and tried keeping my job. I had gained my house. I had gained my children, my dignity, thought I was doing well and had this disease licked. I had a terrible case of the “Yets” like; I’m fine I haven’t lost anything “yet,” but that wasn’t true.
I was dying on the inside, more miserable than I’d ever been and my life had become completely unmanageable, and I was in complete denial. Within four years though, it happened, everything was GONE! My children, my job, my house, my car, my bank account and my self-worth. Even my dog (sounds like a country song, I know).
I had become a raging, pill-popping, drunk that wanted to die every single day! I had tried stopping but for all the wrong reasons. I tried to keep my relapse a secret, but it soon became very obvious I was no longer an outstanding member of society. Knowing what to do to be sober, yet not doing it had become the hardest challenge. I’d much rather have not known what to do, but I did. I tried detox numerous times but as I said, it wasn’t my decision, and I was trying to please others and stay afloat. I finally drowned. I was personally ready, and no one else made the decision to seek help.
I checked myself into detox and was there for 13 days. During that stay, I picked up some info on Acqua and called. They were very nice, and I was very hopeful. It was Feb 12, 2017, and I was scheduled to check-in on March 1st. I was discharged and of course drank again. Luckily on March 6, 2017, I finally checked in. It has been a great experience, and I am truly grateful to be here. If you’re here, you are in the right place. Recovery rocks and I pray that you finally find that peace and serenity that I thought was impossible ever to find again.